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I Have No Words

Before you read on down further I would like to point out that I was told by an old friend that I have rather liberal views. She might be right, but I am pretty certain that this blog entry will see me firmly seated in both liberal and conservative hell. Not something I am proud of, but this has to be said...

It has just been brought to my attention that I owe some people an apology. I have never been very good at apologizing because, well, I am so rarely wrong. So here goes: I am deeply sorry for ever saying that any creature, whether it be plant, animal, bug, human or whatever, came into existence or its current form of being through evolution. There, I said it. Whoo. Glad I got that off my chest.

Apparently, I was wrong about that whole evolution thing, so I am sorry to all the creationists out there for saying I was correct about evolution. I was wrong. But so were all you creationists. We were all wrong. The worst part of it all is that the Pastafarians were wrong as well; the Flying Spaghetti Monster did not decide, in Its Noodley Wisdom, to make each creature the way it is. It was, in fact, PETA. Yes, you read that correctly. PETA. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Who knew ecoterrorists were that powerful of beings, right? I certainly didn't.

I know what you are thinking, "Andrew has finally lost his mind." I can assure you, one and all, that there is no "finally" about it, as I am pretty certain I never had it to begin with. I digress though. To get back on track, you should take a quick look at this website PETA has put together. Go on, I'll wait. Mmmm. Mmmmm. Mmmm. Mmmmmm. Back? Oh sorry, I'll wait while your jaw reattaches. Mmmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmmm. You can read on, the awe doesn't go away. Really.

In their supreme power, PETA has not only managed to remove the scales from the animal formerly known as "fish" and replace it with fur, but have also turned them into warm blooded creatures. Just like that. Poof. Are you as amazed as I am?

While I, a mere mortal, am certain that the great and powerful PETA have thought this entire thing through, I do have a few questions to ask of them. Being such powerful beings, I would expect them not to take the time to answer, but maybe they will have a preacher in their cult, I mean organization, that can provide some answers. I will also admit that some of these may be answered on that website as I did not see myself as worthy enough to read their divine words and closed the browser window very quickly, lest my jaw become permanently detached.

Anyway, questions.

1. How did you solve the whole hypothermia problem that other Kitten species succumb to when placed in water for too long? Does this mean global warming has really been a PETA plan all along to keep the Sea Kittens nice and warm?
2. About that whole kittens breathing air thing? Or should we expect mass Sea Kitten kills to start floating to the surface of our lakes and rivers?
3. I live in Florida, and currently if an Alligator were to eat someone's Land Kitten that gator would be relocated or possibly killed. Will there be the same enforcement for alligators eating Sea Kittens?
4. Do you have any statistics available of the likelihood of being attacked by a large Sea Kitten while swimming versus, say, being killed by a falling coconut?
5. When people go fishing. Wait. Am I still allowed to call it fishing or is it something else now?
6. When people go Sea Kittening they use a rod and reel to get their dinner. Does this mean they can now use their rod and reel to catch and eat Land Kittens?
7. Will you be petitioning the government to require Land Kittening permits, and if so when does the season open?
8. Do Sea Kittens now taste like chicken or do they still have that fishy taste? I only ask because I never ate fish in the past because I don't like that fishy taste, but if they taste more like what I would imagine Land Kittens to taste like (i.e. chicken), well then I will have to get me a Sea Kittening Pole and permit.
9. When I go through the drive-thru should I now be ordering a Filet McSea Kitten?
10. Will PETA be killing off, I mean euthanizing Sea Kittens now, just like they do Land Kittens?
11. What is wrong with you people?

I have a few more questions, but these should do for a start.

I guess I did have a few words after all.


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